Kenny Rogers Invented Identity Theft

Fact: Kenny Rogers did not make his millions by selling records, but rather by counterfeiting U.S. currency.

NEED PROOF? Seriously, do you know anyone who's ever bought one of his records? We don't. Don't you think that's a little suspicious?

The Original Identity Thief

"Not Rogers Again"

Consider this--wouldn't it be shockingly simple for a man who already looks a smidge like Ulysses Grant to create his own line of fraudulent fifties?

And then, wouldn't it be equally easy for that man to launder that money into a child slavery ring and rotisserie chicken restaurant chain in order to live the lifestyle of an unassuming country music sensation? Thus, poisoning America's economy and ear canals.


Yes, we know. Why hasn't anyone come up with this earlier?